Idea 6 - End conflict at work - make the other person the hero

They say you’re not supposed to send an email when you feel angry as you’ll regret it later. 

Why is that? 

And if you’re not allowed to vent your anger via your keyboard, what can you do in that moment to relieve that horrible feeling inside?

This blog is all about teaching you hacks to make you and your team happier at work. This one will make you calmer, less stressed, and happier. And if you teach it to your team, conflict will fall too.

Make the other person the hero

Make the other person the hero

First, let’s take a step back. 

Why do some events make you feel so cross in the first place? Why can some things trigger responses inside you that seem “not you”?

Control your chimp

According to Dr Steve Peters, author of The Chimp Paradox, we have two competing forces in our brain: our chimp brain and our human brain, and they compete against each other to control our actions. Our more powerful instinctive, irrational “chimp” brain is responsible for acting fast and keeping us alive, and our more reflective human brain is responsible for logical, rational thought. When our brain perceives that we’re in danger, our chimp brain jumps in to protect us. When we need to ponder a decision, our human brain is in control. The decisions our brains make are based on the beliefs we have in our own personal “computer”. 

The problem is, our chimp brain is much stronger than our human brain and when it perceives danger, it overpowers the human brain, making it difficult for us to think rationally.

Your “chimp” brain is more powerful than you think

I like to explain his model using the feelings we get when driving. Someone cuts you up, your chimp jumps in to protect you, it refers to the rules in your “computer” - people who drive like that are dangerous and a threat - and your chimp brain acts accordingly, your blood pressure goes up, adrenaline flows, and you shout or feel angry. 

Now imagine if your belief wasn’t “people who drive like that are dangerous and a threat” but “people who drive like that are probably in a rush to help someone” your chimp brain wouldn’t perceive any threat and you’d calm down instantly.

Obviously, we cannot reprogram all the beliefs in our brain, so what can we do to make us more resilient to unpredictable external events? What can we do to stop our chimp brain taking over?

There are many techniques in The Chimp Paradox but the one that I like most because of its simplicity is from Dr Rangan Chaterjee. 

It’s called “Make the other person the superhero”. 

If you practise his method, in the short term you will feel less stressed and able to handle external events better. In the long term, you will actually rewire your brain and make yourself calmer, more resilient, and happier. (Your brain’s ability to rewire itself is called neuroplasticity - If you’re interested check out my previous article on positivity)

So this week’s tip:

Make the other person the hero.

Next time you find yourself in a situation of social friction - a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, a situation where you perceive yourself as a victim - perhaps a colleague has snapped at you, or someone has cut in front of you on the road, reframe the situation in your mind so that you are not the victim, but rather, they are the hero. Your colleague has just been given some bad news and isn’t themselves, that “bad” driver is rushing to get to his kid’s school play on time. It will make you calmer and less stressed and much more resilient to the unpredictable world out there.

In the workplace, it will reduce conflict and improve your sense of safety and community and will ultimately make you and your team happier.

Useful links:

Podcast: Dr Rangan Chaterjee talks about “Make the other person the hero” in this Just One Thing podcast episode. Skip to minute 11:06 (but I recommend listening to the whole interview)

YouTube: Nice short explanation of The Chimp Paradox

Article: I like this summary of how The Chimp Paradox works

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If you’re new to the blog I recommend reading the first article in the series - what makes people happy at work. This will give you an overview of the basics of happiness in the workplace and the areas you need to address when looking at workplace wellbeing.

Next week … A really simple way to boost peer recognition and make all your team feel a little happier at the end of each day.